Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
