I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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