When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
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