it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
Still dying that you shit outside
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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