he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
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