Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
