I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
