you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Randomize
