Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
