happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
COCAINE IS GR8
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
