I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
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