when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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