M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
