she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
