If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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