uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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