I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
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