You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
