Screwed.edu
yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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