My friends, they love my intelligence
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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