One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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