she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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