There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
