Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
