I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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