Someone shit on the floor
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize
