I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Randomize
