I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
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