You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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