Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Randomize
