what day is it and did you see me today?
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
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