She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
