he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
