Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Randomize
