He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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