U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
