I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
