i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
he puts the penis in happiness.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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