he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
