I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
