I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Randomize
