9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
