when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
