..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
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