i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Randomize
