I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
