just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
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