i know ur right I'm sorry I'm stupid and incompitent look I can't even spell incompetent right! Fuck!
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
