I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
