Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
Randomize
