She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Randomize
