i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
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