theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
