I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
