and my herpes radar will keep us safe
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
this will be a night to untag.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
